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Santa Claus Gift List to Boston Red Sox Leaked

December 24th, 2013 at 11:01 AM
By Ron Juckett

'Santa Claus' photo (c) 2013, Keith Allison - license:

Red Sox 101 has obtained an exclusive copy of Santa Claus’ gift list to the Boston Red Sox this year.

While we will not reveal the elf and red-nosed reindeer who supplied this list, we can tell you that Santa has carefully watched over the Red Sox over the course of the last 12 months and has acted accordingly.

For Dustin Pedroia, Santa placed him on the nice list and will bring the second baseman his own Sullivan Tire store.

Manager John Farrell received his wish of a year’s supply of the antacid of his choice to help the skipper get through those long West Coast road trips and meetings where NESN’s Don Orsillio tries to teach him how to dress.

Third Baseman Will Middlebrooks and girlfriend Jenny Dell—NESN’s sideline reporter—will each receive their own flat-screen televisions as Santa has determined that one of the keys to relationship bliss is being able to watch your own shows.

Santa has decided to give departed catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia his World Series ring early in order to inspire Saltalamacchia’s young teammates with the Miami Marlins.

Jake Peavy irked Santa a little as Peavy bought his own duck boat before Mr. Claus could deliver it. Instead, Peavy will get a gas card instead to keep it filled.

Santa has also decided not to give electric razors to Jonny Gomes and Mike Napoli, despite he wishes of some of their closest fans.

Our source tells us that Jacoby Ellsbury was one of the tougher players to decide on which list to be placed on. An eleventh-hour meeting and intense deliberation from Santa’s elf contingent from New York tipped the balance to Ellsbury’s favor and a Progressive Insurance uniform and wig with “Solita” on the nametag  will be given to help the wayward Ellsbury get in and out of Fenway Park unnoticed when he visits with the Yankees.

Santa has also determined that General Manager Ben Cherington is worthy of Theo Epstein’s gorilla suit in case that sort of thing is needed.

Jackie Bradley Jr. and Xander Bogaerts are to be given confidence and patience—along with assurance they will never have to appear with Pedroia on a Sullivan Tire ad—as they navigate their way through their first full seasons with the big club.

In a surprise to Santa on his return, we can reveal Mrs. Claus has given the jolly red fat man a full day with David Ortiz, because you really cannot have much more fun than that. She did tell Ortiz to try to keep her husband away from the eggnog and cookies within reason.

Most importantly, Santa gives you another flag to fly over Fenway Park in 2014 and, along with all of us at Red Sox 101 and Sports Media 101, wish you a very happy holiday and a wonderful 2014!

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Tags: Baseball, Ben Cherington, Boston, Boston Red Sox, David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, Jake Peavy, John Farrell, Mike Napoli, MLB, Santa Claus

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